Phrases for Conflicts

There are many phrases that are good for conflicts.

Here are some of them (and why):

Hmmm... I'm sorry... I don't understand.

Yes, I know. You're thinking, "This is not always an English problem!"

Yes, exactly.

Sometimes we don't understand because of language problems -

and sometimes we just don't understand!

Telling someone this can be very helpful. You make it very clear to them:

You have a problem: You don't understand them.

And since understanding the number one most important thing in communication and human relationships, this is a big problem!

I want to understand you. Can you explain that to me again?

Again, there could be a language problem or there could be a communication problem but no matter what, there is a problem. You don't understand - and you want to!

This last part is very important.

And it might seem obvious: Of course you want to understand them!

But think about it, how many times have you been trying to explain something to your boss, neighbor, the store cashier, your wife, your husband, your mother, your son, your sister-in-law, your child's teacher, your doctor, your teacher and you know... you just know... they don't understand you!... and it's so frustrating... you are trying to explain something... Hey! Are they even listening? Do they care? Does this person like me? Is this person a jerk? Should I hate this person?

It's a bad feeling, isn't it?

No one wants to feel this way. Everyone wants to feel like the other person understands them OR is trying to understand them.

So help people feel that way. Tell them you are trying to understand them. Tell them you want to understand them. Ask them to explain things again... maybe in a different way.


Okay... I think I understand - You think/want/like/know/need _____________.

This part is important, too. When you think you understand, tell them what you think they are saying. That way they will know for sure: you do or don't understand.

If you don't understand, they can try again.


Now... sometimes we understand the other person and they understand us... but we disagree.

What to do then?

First, make sure they understand your point of view:

Here's how I see it: ____________________.

After you tell them, you might want to add something like, "Does that make sense?"

Then they can tell you, "Yes, No, or Hell, No."

I hope they don't say the last one! If they do, you are in a lot of hot water!

And yes, I know, that was not "proper English."

That was a curse word.

Something Americans use a lot.

So I may as well include one now and then.

Am I telling you to curse?

No.


Now.

What if you have a conflict on your hands?

(What does on your hands mean?

It means you have this situation to deal with.)

Try:

Hmmmm.... I think we see things differently.

Right away, you're giving the other person the message:

You're not wrong, exactly. And I'm not wrong exactly. We don't need to crazy here and punch each other or throw grenades at each other. We see things differently. That's okay. We will live through this.

You might want to say

I'm thinking we see things differently?

What's the difference between "I think" and "I'm thinking"?

Yes, I know. One is present tense and one is present progressive (or continuous - why does English have to be so confusing?)

Present tense is strong. It's iron. Rock. A cast iron skillet. It could knock you out cold if it hit you on the back of your head. You're dead. Permanently. Permanence.

Progressive tense is soft. It's water. It's a stream washing over and through you and you're swimming, your arms are moving, your feet are kicking, your fins are waving, you've become a fish. Transformation. Change. Movement.

When we use the progressive tense, we always give a feeling of emotion or motion or movement or flexibility to whatever we're saying.

If "we're thinking," then we can change our minds.

If "we think," then we cannot. This is our opinion. It's not going to change. This is it.

Maybe it isn't going to change but we need to be smart. We need to be like a diplomat, an ambassador, someone who is helping to bring peace between two warring countries, people, families, hearts. So we use the progressive tense when we talk to people whose hearts are arms-crossed angry with us.

The progressive tense can roll like water under the door of a locked heart.

We think we are not listening but oops... here comes that progressive tense. It has gotten inside us.

And now we're changing our minds.


Sometimes we need a diplomat to step in between us and the other person.

Then we can say:

Hmmm.... I think we need a third opinion (or a third perspective).

Even if we don't have that third person, we are saying, "Okay, we have a conflict. We don't agree. But maybe a third person can help us. There is still hope."

Hope is important.

When there is no hope, there is no communication.

When there is no communication, there is no understanding.

When there is no understanding, the door closes.

And when doors close, bad things happen in our world.

We know the kind of stuff that happens.

Zillions and millions and jillions of people dying, going hungry, living in terrible conditions, watching their children die, watching their parents die, dying.

We don't want that to happen.

Right?

So work on the language - and the heart - you need for communication.

And visit http://www.thehungersite.com/ and http://www.kiva.org/ to help the living.

And wait until my next post when I'll try to write a little more about these conflict phrases.

And then, honestly, I have to take a break from this.

It's time to talk about something else.

Maybe iced coffee.

Iced coffee, I like that.

Do you like that? What refreshes you on a hot day?

What makes you feel refreshed, nurtured, loved, - understood?