Tip #2 - Noticing

Hi Folks!

Okay, we talked about practicing.


You remember what that is: doing something over and over till start to go a little crazy.

;-)

(Those of you who have had to practice a musical instrument know what I mean.)

Now let's talk about noticing.


Actually, let's back up a minute and go back to practicing.


What happens when you do something a lot?

Like spending time on the computer.

Or taking care of kids.

Or fixing cars.

Or driving the same freeway or road day after day after day after day after day.

Or being married to the same person year after year after year after year.

Or being related to the same person year after year after year.

(You know, this person was your mother yesterday. She was your mother a year ago. She was your mother ten years ago. She has been your mother all your life!

Or eating the same kind of food week after week after week.

Well, if you're like most people, you start NOTICING things.

If you're driving the same route to work, you start noticing the trouble spots, the lanes to avoid, the potholes to avoid, the places where people make left hand turns right in front of you. And you start noticing the drivers. If you're like me, you get really good at guessing what people are going to do. You can tell that the guy ahead of you over on your right is about to suddenly pull in front of you. You can tell that the woman behind you, the one who is tailgating you, is going to try to pass you as soon as possible.

And if you're taking care of kids, you start noticing things about kids in general and the kids you're watching, in particular. You start noticing that when kids are sick or hungry, they are hard to be around. (So are grown-ups, but we don't always admit it.) You start noticing that when kids jump around, sometime it means they have to go to the bathroom. You start noticing which kids have trouble talking about their feelings and which kids get so lost in their feelings they can't control their sadness or anger.

And if you're married to the same person? Well, those of you who are married probably know a lot about that other person, right? You know how they brush their teeth. You know if they put the cap back on the toothpaste - or not. You know if they hang up their clothes or leave them on the floor when it's time for bed. You know if they like to think about big decisions or make them in a snap. You know how they are when they are angry, excited, peaceful, nervous, sad, loving, and happy. You know them, right?

That's how it is with writing, too. Or maybe I should say: that's how it is with language.

The more you swim around in it, the better you know the pool, the water, the concrete or mud or rocks at the bottom.

And the more you know those things, the better you swim.

And you want to swim better, right?

I mean write!

;-)

Tip #1 - Practicing

Many people – both native and non-native speakers - are afraid of writing.

I want to talk a minute about how writing something – anything - can you help you with your life and English.

When a person is afraid, they hold back.

And when they hold back, they stop doing one of the two most important things a person can do to get better at something.

"What are those things?" you ask.

I will tell you.

1. Practicing

2. Noticing

I'm going to talk about noticing in another post.

For now I want to talk about practicing.

If you want to dance better, you have to dance, right? You can't lie on the couch and watch "So You Think Can Dance." You can't watch "Flashdance" or music videos on MTV. You have to get up and dance. A lot.

If you want to be a good computer programmer, you can't sit at the computer and play video games. You can't watch Science Fiction movies. You have to learn computer programming languages and then you have to write a lot of computer programs. You spend hours and hours thinking about them, dreaming about them, and writing them.

(I know. I had a boyfriend who did that and then made a zillion dollars. Pretty good, hunh? Can writing do that, too? How about dancing? Hmmm.... )

It's the same with writing. If you want to write better, you have to write. A lot.

If you write but you are afraid to show people your writing, this is okay but not wonderful. Because the fear is in there. The fear is inside your head and your heart and it starts making your writing energy smaller and smaller and smaller.

If you write and you share it with other people, then the writing energy gets bigger and bigger and bigger and the fear starts getting smaller and smaller and smaller.

You start feeling looser and freer with your writing. It starts feeling more like play and less like work. And because you write more you start doing the noticing thing I was talking about.
But I'm not going to talk about that yet. That is for another post.

I'm going to talk about how writing more and being less afraid to share it with other people can help you do better in life - not just the writing part of life.

I'm going to talk about success.

Everyone wants it, right?

What do you have to do to succeed in life?

You have to work hard, yes. And it helps to be lucky. But what's that other thing?

You have to take risks.

You have to try to do something you might fail at.

You have to do things where you might look foolish. People might laugh at you.
People might find out you're not perfect.

(Of course, we all know you're not perfect because we're not perfect, either, but some people try to keep the imperfect thing a big secret. They try, anyway.)

And what else might happen?

You might win an Academy award.

You might win a Nobel prize.

You might become a wonderful mother, or save someone's life, or invent a cure for cancer.

And what helps you take risks?

Understanding nothing happens without risk.

Well, nothing good, anyway.

Stagnation.

(What's stagnation? That's when everything stops moving - like your sink when it doesn't work, anymore. The water gets brown and stinky and you have to call your plumber or your landlord and they bring in a snake - no, not a real snake! - a plumber's snake! - and they stick the snake in the drain and jerk it around and there is a big glugging sound or maybe little gasping noises and then slowly or quickly the water goes down and things start moving again.)

Understanding nobody is perfect.

Understanding life is a spring which wants to spring forth and trying to stop is like trying to jam things down your sink.

Do you want a stinky sink? No!

You want a flowing spring, right?

(Hey! What's a spring, anyway?

It's rushing waters that push up out of the ground - fresh, clean, and pure.



And you want to be like that, right?


Full of energy? Good for yourself? Good for other people?


Happy?


Flowing?


Of course, you do!


We all do, we just get nervous about things.


Why?


Because when the spring is flowing and things are happening we don't always know what is going to happen next.


And what is it the scariest thing in the whole, wide world?


Is it big, hairy spiders?


Is it long, skinny snakes?


Is it a natural disaster like an earthquake, hurricane, or a tsunami?


No, no, no, no, and no!


It's the... drumroll, please... the UNKNOWN!


Yes, we're all afraid of it!


If you say you're not, you're lying!


Okay, so we're all afraid sometimes.

Is it okay to be afraid?

Of course it is. Everyone is afraid. If they say they aren't, they're lying.


Wait, I already said that.


But maybe it's good to say it again.

We're all afraid of something.


We all struggle with fear of the unknown, fear of change (more unknow stuff), fear of losing the people we love (more unknown stuff), etc, etc, etc.

But if we keep the fear smaller than the courage, we're okay.


In other words, keep the water flowing.

Life, love, water, energy - whatever idea or picture or word you want to use, really, it's all the same thing.


Let it through you.


Don't try to stop it.


Don't try to control it.


Oh! Control! Something we all want and love!

Also something isn't really possible. Not really.

Go ahead. Try to control everything. As Dr. Phil would say, let me know how that works out for ya.


When we let things flow, the courage is bigger than the fear.

When you write, especially when you write and share it with other people, you're making the courage bigger and the fear smaller.

That's going to help you not just with your writing but with all the other parts of your life where you hold back.

Maybe you really want to ask your boss for a change in your job.


But you're afraid.


Maybe you really need to talk to your husband or wife or mother about something serious.

But you're afraid.


You hold back. You feel nervous inside. You feel resentful. You start getting mad about little things. Everything is their fault!

But really, where is the problem?

In you.

When you find the courage to go after what you want in life, things get easier.

Not easy.

I didn't say life is easy!

But it is easier to live life with courage than with fear.

Read or say that again because it's easy to read that fast and not believe it.

Okay, I'll help you.

I'm going to write it again:

It's easier to live life with courage than with fear.

Got that?

Fear is like a heavy weight tied to your ankle. You walk with a limp. You breathe hard. You trip and fall and land with a splat and break a tooth off. Sometimes you turn green and your hair falls out. Also you can't think straight.

Courage is like your own special music always playing in your heart. In the tough times, it helps you keep going.

And in the good times, it helps you dance.

Go dance.

(Looking for somewhere to share your writing? Try posting a comment here.
Or send me an email: eyeonenglish@gmail.com)

How Should You Close An Email or Letter?

A student asked me, "How should I close an email or letter?"

Good question!

First, remember the hidden rule of all cultures:

When in doubt, be polite!

That means: If you don't know the rules, be extra polite.

Because when you don't know the culture, it can be hard to know what people are thinking.

As I have said before, American culture seems very casual. And it some ways it is.

But in many ways it is not.

But wait, how do you know what polite is?

Yes, exactly.

Polite is different in different cultures, right?

Right.

But! One thing is the same in all cultures: The Golden Rule.

What is The Golden Rule?

Treat other people the way you want to be treated.

But wait!

That can mean different things in different cultures, right?

Yes and no.

What is the same in every culture is the feeling the other person is trying to be kind.

Kind is not about words or rules.

Kind is a feeling.

Kind is when the other person meets your eyes and you can see they understand you.

They understand you feel happy, sad, nervous or angry.

And they care about how you feel.

And they want you to feel happy, better, peaceful, okay.

This is kind.

This is a feeling.

And it is universal.


Okay, now that I have said all that, here are some ways to close an email or letter:

1. When you don't know the person or you need to be polite or formal:

Sincerely,

Very Sincerely,

Respectfully,



2. A step below that is:

Best Regards,


3. A step below that is:

Best,


4. If you know the person well, you can start to be a little playful:

With a smile,

Take care,

I hope all's well -

Hoping you're well,



Hmmm... let me add an addendum here.

An addendum is something extra.

Maybe you know your boss well - but she or he is still your boss!

You must always stop and think: What is my relationship with this person?

Are we equals?

Is there a hierarchy? (A top, middle, bottom relationship)

Are we family?

And even if you are family, are you getting along well right now?! ;-)))


With someone I love, a family member or good friend, I might close with

With a hug,

With a hug for you and a kiss for your (name of child),

Missing you,

Love,


You get the idea.

Again, the main idea I want to get across is:

American culture has rules!

It might seem casual, but believe you me, there are still rules.

Believe you me is an idiom that means "you should believe me on this!"

If there weren't any rules, then anybody could be a millionaire or president and let's face it, not just everybody becomes a millionaire or president.

I know that is the popular idea but - it is not the reality.

Idea.

Reality.

Not the same.

The people who make it to the top get there for many different reasons. Some are good. Some are bad. But there are reasons they succeed.

Do you think those reasons are the same in every culture?

Let me know what you think.

All the best,

Cynthia

Where was Cynthia?

Cynthia was here (right there, to the right).

I have a story about that but I will save it for later.

For now, I will talk more about writing because writing is what this is supposed to be (mostly) about.

Speaking of writing, shouldn't that be "I will write more about writing"?

Well, yes, really it should.

Because I am not talking. I am writing.

But sometimes people write in a colloquial way.

What does colloquial mean?

It means the way people talk.

Is it okay to write in a colloquial way?

Sometimes.

I think - you can tell me if I am write or wrong - it is helpful if teacher try to explain things in a colloquial way.

(Am I right?

Am I wrong?)

It is not good to send your boss a colloquial email if you don't have a good relationship with him or her.

And sometimes, even if you do have a good relationship with them, it is not good to write in a colloquial way.

More about that in a minute.

(Look up.)

Dear or Hi?

Dear Readers - or should that be Hi Readers?

Last Spring, one of my online students asked me if she could start an email with Hi instead of Dear.

I thought I should share my response with you because you might find the information useful, also.

With her permission, here it is:

Dear B,

Yes, you can also use Hi but only when the feeling is very casual or you already have a friendship or friendly relationship with the person.

Example: I use Hi in emails to a boss I know very well and have a good relationship with. Recently I started using Hi with another boss that I am on good terms with but don't know as well as the first boss. I never use Hi with the "Big Boss" or other administrators that I don't know well.

In most situations, there is always a hierarchy even if there doesn't seem to be. For people from more formal cultures, California can be confusing. We look very casual. We don't seem to have a lot of "rules." But like every culture, we have rules. They just might be different from the rules in your home culture.

We have ways of showing respect or deference to higher-ups. If you break those "rules," it is harder to succeed or make good relationships.

I would say that California culture is more casual than other parts of the U.S. but probably a little less casual than Brazil. This is just a guess because I don't know everything about Brazil.. (Or California! ;-) But it might give you a rough idea of what to do in different situations.

I hope this is helpful. Let me know if you want more info because I am happy to oblige!

Sincerely,

Cynthia

After I sent B that email, I continued to process this topic.

(You remember processing, right?)

Here are some of my random thoughts:

The dress code at a job may be very relaxed. It is truly okay to wear jeans or to wear sandals, for example. But take a look at who moves up the ladder. Is it the person who wears jeans? Often it is not.

(Okay, right here I have to admit that I love wearing jeans and that I wear jeans to work. I tried not to for a long time but at last, I just gave in to it. They are so comfortable! And I wear dressy shirts with my jeans - sometimes! ;-))

You can apply this idea to other things: how does the "successful" person talk, handle conflicts, treat bosses, treat "underlings, " handle responsibilities, etc.?

Do I think that only people of good character succeed? No. Sometimes people of very bad character succeed. However, they usually know how to "play the game" very well. It is this "game" that I am talking about here, as well as issues of character.

If you treat people well, if you show them respect, if you treat them kindly, you build good relationships. As many Californians would say, "you make good karma." Yes, I know, Californians do not use "karma" in the same way as traditional Buddhists from Asia. But the idea is: if you put out good energy into the world, you will receive good energy.

Personally, I think that is true. So if you are kind to others, maybe you will or won't "succeed" in your job but you will definitely succeed in life. Most importantly, when you need a friend, you will have one and in life, as we all know, that is very, very important.

Times are not always easy. People get sick. People die. The economy takes a dip. People fall on hard times or need someone to pick up their kid after school or drive them to chemotherapy or make dinner because they have the flu. At that time, it is good to have positive relationships with other people, whether or not they are your family. It is money in the "bank of life," so to speak.

There is asaying, "You meet the same people going down the ladder that you met going up."

In other words, if you treat people kindly while you are succeeding in life, it will be easier for you if you fail at something later. On the way down the ladder, you will meet the same people you met on the way up. If you were nice to them, they will be nice to you when you need it most.

Back to B's question:

I think there are two things important to remember:

1. How does a particular culture show respect? What are its customs? Try to observe and figure them out. Ask people in that culture for help understanding the "rules" (the customs).

2. Be kind. Some things are international. A smile. Sharing your sandwich. Telling someone, "Go on and go home and get some rest. I will finish your work for you." or "Do you need a ride?" mean kindness anywhere.

We all worry about offending others. I do, too. Sometimes I have to work hard to remember: "Okay, Cynthia, remember, this person does not like to be touched. Don't hug them!" (Because I like to give hugs but hugs are not really okay in every culture.) Or: "Do I open the gift now or later? What do I do? Do I write a thank you note?" Or: "Uh oh! I don't pork or beef! This person has offered me beautiful food that they made. It is beautiful; it is the traditional food of their country; and it is pork and beef and I don't pork and beef!"

I know the rules for my culture (I think! ;-). And I know the rules pretty well for a few other cultures. But I don't know all the rules for all cultures.

So I have to go the essence of the thing. I try to remember:

Try to be kind. Try to be considerate.

If I make a mistake, apologize. Tell the person, "I am trying." Tell them, "I am sorry. I was grumpy. That was not okay."

Do something to show the person I care even if I don't know the rules or I'm breaking them.

I make a lot of mistakes - in this and other areas. That is life. People who don't make mistakes are not growing. No mistakes means no movement and no movement means stagnation and stagnation is the opposite of life. Stagnation is the place we get in when we are afraid of making mistakes. Stagnation is fear of life.

So start your emails with "Dear" or "Hi" or just come right out and say, "Please let me know how you would like to be addressed - Mr. or Mrs. or Charlie, etc." When in doubt, always choose the more formal way. Forms and customs are a way of showing respect before the relationship grows in the heart.

You don't usually go wrong in asking people how they want to be treated. They may be surprised by it. But they will also know that you consider their feelings important.

And in the end, isn't that what we all want? We want to feel that we matter to other people.

Like you matter to me!

All the best,

Cynthia