Dear or Hi?

Dear Readers - or should that be Hi Readers?

Last Spring, one of my online students asked me if she could start an email with Hi instead of Dear.

I thought I should share my response with you because you might find the information useful, also.

With her permission, here it is:

Dear B,

Yes, you can also use Hi but only when the feeling is very casual or you already have a friendship or friendly relationship with the person.

Example: I use Hi in emails to a boss I know very well and have a good relationship with. Recently I started using Hi with another boss that I am on good terms with but don't know as well as the first boss. I never use Hi with the "Big Boss" or other administrators that I don't know well.

In most situations, there is always a hierarchy even if there doesn't seem to be. For people from more formal cultures, California can be confusing. We look very casual. We don't seem to have a lot of "rules." But like every culture, we have rules. They just might be different from the rules in your home culture.

We have ways of showing respect or deference to higher-ups. If you break those "rules," it is harder to succeed or make good relationships.

I would say that California culture is more casual than other parts of the U.S. but probably a little less casual than Brazil. This is just a guess because I don't know everything about Brazil.. (Or California! ;-) But it might give you a rough idea of what to do in different situations.

I hope this is helpful. Let me know if you want more info because I am happy to oblige!

Sincerely,

Cynthia

After I sent B that email, I continued to process this topic.

(You remember processing, right?)

Here are some of my random thoughts:

The dress code at a job may be very relaxed. It is truly okay to wear jeans or to wear sandals, for example. But take a look at who moves up the ladder. Is it the person who wears jeans? Often it is not.

(Okay, right here I have to admit that I love wearing jeans and that I wear jeans to work. I tried not to for a long time but at last, I just gave in to it. They are so comfortable! And I wear dressy shirts with my jeans - sometimes! ;-))

You can apply this idea to other things: how does the "successful" person talk, handle conflicts, treat bosses, treat "underlings, " handle responsibilities, etc.?

Do I think that only people of good character succeed? No. Sometimes people of very bad character succeed. However, they usually know how to "play the game" very well. It is this "game" that I am talking about here, as well as issues of character.

If you treat people well, if you show them respect, if you treat them kindly, you build good relationships. As many Californians would say, "you make good karma." Yes, I know, Californians do not use "karma" in the same way as traditional Buddhists from Asia. But the idea is: if you put out good energy into the world, you will receive good energy.

Personally, I think that is true. So if you are kind to others, maybe you will or won't "succeed" in your job but you will definitely succeed in life. Most importantly, when you need a friend, you will have one and in life, as we all know, that is very, very important.

Times are not always easy. People get sick. People die. The economy takes a dip. People fall on hard times or need someone to pick up their kid after school or drive them to chemotherapy or make dinner because they have the flu. At that time, it is good to have positive relationships with other people, whether or not they are your family. It is money in the "bank of life," so to speak.

There is asaying, "You meet the same people going down the ladder that you met going up."

In other words, if you treat people kindly while you are succeeding in life, it will be easier for you if you fail at something later. On the way down the ladder, you will meet the same people you met on the way up. If you were nice to them, they will be nice to you when you need it most.

Back to B's question:

I think there are two things important to remember:

1. How does a particular culture show respect? What are its customs? Try to observe and figure them out. Ask people in that culture for help understanding the "rules" (the customs).

2. Be kind. Some things are international. A smile. Sharing your sandwich. Telling someone, "Go on and go home and get some rest. I will finish your work for you." or "Do you need a ride?" mean kindness anywhere.

We all worry about offending others. I do, too. Sometimes I have to work hard to remember: "Okay, Cynthia, remember, this person does not like to be touched. Don't hug them!" (Because I like to give hugs but hugs are not really okay in every culture.) Or: "Do I open the gift now or later? What do I do? Do I write a thank you note?" Or: "Uh oh! I don't pork or beef! This person has offered me beautiful food that they made. It is beautiful; it is the traditional food of their country; and it is pork and beef and I don't pork and beef!"

I know the rules for my culture (I think! ;-). And I know the rules pretty well for a few other cultures. But I don't know all the rules for all cultures.

So I have to go the essence of the thing. I try to remember:

Try to be kind. Try to be considerate.

If I make a mistake, apologize. Tell the person, "I am trying." Tell them, "I am sorry. I was grumpy. That was not okay."

Do something to show the person I care even if I don't know the rules or I'm breaking them.

I make a lot of mistakes - in this and other areas. That is life. People who don't make mistakes are not growing. No mistakes means no movement and no movement means stagnation and stagnation is the opposite of life. Stagnation is the place we get in when we are afraid of making mistakes. Stagnation is fear of life.

So start your emails with "Dear" or "Hi" or just come right out and say, "Please let me know how you would like to be addressed - Mr. or Mrs. or Charlie, etc." When in doubt, always choose the more formal way. Forms and customs are a way of showing respect before the relationship grows in the heart.

You don't usually go wrong in asking people how they want to be treated. They may be surprised by it. But they will also know that you consider their feelings important.

And in the end, isn't that what we all want? We want to feel that we matter to other people.

Like you matter to me!

All the best,

Cynthia