Keeping The Balance

A while back I wrote about English for conflicts.

I don't believe I ever got around to talking about how to apologize in English.

That is important.

So here we go:

Every culture has its own special way of being polite.

Sometimes it is important to meet the eyes of the other person.

Sometimes it is important to look away.

Sometimes being polite in person is a little different than being polite in writing.

In writing, we must think about what we say because we cannot use our eyes and ears to help us with communication.

We cannot see the other person's face. We don't know if they are insulted, angry, happy, excited, nervous, or afraid. We can't hear them breathe faster or sigh deeply.

Apologizing is important in all relationships - personal, business, friendships, family, etc.

Every culture, family, and person has their own style of apologizing but there are also ways that are "polite" or "rude" for every culture and it is good to know them.

In US culture, if you say "sorry" - with only that one word - the feeling is not good. The feeling is that the person is not really sorry but says so because of some kind of pressure.

You might think of a little boy who has just hit his friend on the head with a toy truck. His mother tells him, "Tell your friend you are sorry!" The little boy gives his friend a very angry look and mutters, "Sorry."

(What does mutter mean? It means to talk in a low tone that other people cannot understand very well.)

A better or more polite way is to say something like:

I'm sorry.

This is okay in person, especially if you say it with feeling and look at the other person in the eyes.

(I know, that can be hard to do! Especially if you are not really sorry or if you are embarassed or nervous.)

In writing, it is so-so. It is not great but it is okay.

Better is:

I'm sorry for blah blah.

It's better to say what you're sorry for - that makes a big difference in this culture.

(Maybe every culture. What do you think? I would really like to know.)

You can always add:

I'm so sorry for blah blah blah.

Now... here is something that is very good in-person or in writing:

I apologize.

For some reason, if we say "I apologize" - just like that - short and clear - the feeling is good. Dignified. Respectful. Responsible.

I don't know why. I don't know the history of every single thing in our culture. I just know what is generally true and I try to share it with you.

After you say or write "I apologize," you can say or write a separate sentence that gives more information. Maybe something like:

I know you really needed that blah blah blah and I promised to lend it to you. And then you called me and asked for it and I never got back to you. I should have returned your phone call. I should have lent you the blah blah. I caused you a lot of inconvenience and it was inconsiderate of me.

You can also add things like:

How can I make it up to you?

(This means: How can I restore the balance? How can I bring good feeling back?)

I want to make it up to you. Let me buy you lunch, a cup of coffee, or blah blah blah.

I promise to do better next time.

Then... unless the person wants to keep talking about it...

which people do sometimes... ;-)))

You can move on.

Otherwise, it is like beating a dead horse.

Do you know that expression?

Do you have an expression that like in your culture?

Can you guess what it means?

Restoring the balance is important.

(What does restore mean? It means to bring something back to the way it was before. After we get through this difficult economic time, we need to restore many things that are being damaged or lost right now. After a fire, we need to restore the place where the fire happened.)

Many people think US culture is not polite or doesn't value relationships.

We could talk a long time about that. I think that subject is very interesting.

For now, I will tell you a secret:

US culture, and every other culture on this planet, values relationships, because US culture and every culture on this planet, is all about human beings and human beings are all about relationships.

We want people to love us, like us, do what we want, give us things, make us happy, laugh with us, pay us money, take us out to lunch, think we are pretty or handsome, say nice things about us, understand us, value us, forgive us, take care of us when we are sick, old, or young, and a whole lot of other things.

Some cultures are very direct about that.

Some are indirect.

But every single person

every single person on this planet

wants that.

I guarantee you.

And here's something else:

Many of them won't tell you how to do that.

They will just expect you to "know."

Which, of course, for most of us, is impossible.

Then, when we don't do things "right," they sometimes get mad at us.

It's frustrating, isn't it?

;-))

You can stop and laugh about that a little bit here... because I think all of us have been in that situation.

So... one of the things I try to do in my teaching is to share the "secrets" of this culture, the one I grew up in.

Americans are like everybody else.

We have our own "ways" of being polite and rude.

We get insulted.

We get happy.

We get excited because somebody did something in a special way that means they understand us.

We all want to be understood.

We all want to feel respected by other people.

We all want to feel equality with others.

Keeping the balance between people, between cultures, between countries -

wow - that's a beautiful thing, isn't it?

I wish we could do that... really do that...

no more wars

no more kids stepping on land mines

no more mothers feeding their kids food but not themselves
because there is not enough food for everyone.

That would be nice.

Here, "nice" is kind of a weak word - not strong at all -
which means I know that it is impossible but I wish it would happen.

We can't restore the balance for the whole world.

But we can work on restoring the balance between ourselves and the other people in our life - our friends, children, parents, partners, co-workers, bosses, employees, neighbors, students, teachers, etc. etc. etc.

Everything begins with us.

Sincerely,

Cynthia

P.S. I would love it if you would share how to be polite in your home culture. Please share the secrets of your home culture in the comments section or by sending me an email at eyeonenglish@gmail.com