How American Culture Deals With Conflict

Okay, again... uh oh... maybe I can't talk about this one.

What do I really know?

Okay. I know a little bit.

I am an American.

I am an American who likes to ruminate.

What does ruminate mean?

It means chew your cud.

What does chew your cud mean?

Goats and cows and camels and other animals with more than one stomach eat their food and then they burp it up and chew it some more and then they swallow it down into a different stomach and then they burp it up again and chew it some more and then they swallow it down and you get the idea.

The food that they burp up and chew some more is called cud.

To ruminate on something is think on something deeply.

It's to think about it and then swallow it down and then burp it back up again and think on it some more.

Over and over until you have really gotten everything you can from that food.

I like to do that.

So... I am an American who likes to ruminate on things.

Things like how Americans deal with conflict.

And here's what I have figured out, so far:

(I say so far because you know I am going to keep ruminating on all this and I am going to keep getting new ideas and new insights and later I might say, "Hmmm... I was wrong about that... Now I think something else" or "Hmmm... I still think that that... And also this.")

1. There is how we do things and how we think we do things and how other people think we do things.

2. American culture is not as polite as it used to be.

3. But it is still polite. It still has rules. It has a lot of rules.

4. You will not find most of those rules in a book.

5. Many people from other places think the U.S. is very casual and not polite.

6. They are wrong.

7. Every culture on the planet has rules and every culture on the planet has a best way of getting what you want or need. We call that best way polite. Every culture has a different kind of polite.

8. The oldest, strongest roots of American culture and okay, this is just my opinion, are in England and West Africa.

(When I say American culture, I mean the culture of the United States, a place that started as the Thirteen Colonies and today is fifty states plus Puerto Rico and other places. A place and a culture that is very complicated. A place and a culture that is bigger than you and me. A place I am not trying to describe in a small, tight circle.)

9. The third, secret, root of American culture is in the Indigenous cultures of North America. These cultures were here and are here. These cultures made American culture different, right from the start, from African and European cultures. These cultures make it different now.

10. I am not going to talk about the roots of American culture a long time here. I don't know enough. I am just going to say you can see the English root, sometimes, in the way American culture decides what polite is.

11. You can also see that many American people think English people are too polite in an English kind of way but they also really like this. They like English polite and they don't like it. Sound familiar? Love-hate stuff. Complicated. We all have some love-hate stuff about something or someone. American culture has it about English culture. Mother-daughter stuff. You know how it is.

12. In American culture, I recommend polite but firm.

13. Polite is a secret weapon. It won't work on everyone but it will work on many people. Polite says, "I am following the rules. You must follow the rules, too. You must leave the gloves on. You must not be nasty. You must not hit me in the face." And it also says, "I respect you. You are a human being. I am a human being. We are same."

Of course, if we are polite only with our words and not our hearts, then people can feel that and maybe the polite way makes them a little bit angry. But... because we are following the rules, even if we don't feel love for the other person... it says, "I am following the rules. I am showing you respect. You must follow the rules, too."

14. Firm is easy to understand. American culture is a little strong. You know this. I know this. We are not tea. We are coffee. We are rock n' roll, democracy, invade your country, make a mess, make a riot, civil rights, stand up and be counted, help other people, jump up, speak out, hip hop, don't stop, shout about it, diverse, every religion, every ethnicity, every gender, every everybody that's us make it individual me. So you better be firm. Or be run over.

By the way, please don't think that I think other cultures are easy to run over. I do not. Every culture is strong in a different way. I am trying to talk about American strong. And Polite but firm is the best way here, in my opinion.

15. By polite, I mean polite - American style and I realize I haven't completely explained that. In another section I will give you some words and phrases that are polite - American style.

16. Saying you're sorry is very helpful. Okay, that one I could talk about for a long time so I think I will make a whole different section for it. But take it from me: Saying your sorry. A good thing.

Wow. I am exhausted.

I think that is all I know for now about how American culture deals with conflict except that it's complicated, I did not talk about everything and I did not mention denial.

What is denial?

It is not a river in Egypt.

That is an old joke!

Denial is when you know deep down in your gut that is something is true but your pretend in your mind that it is not. And then you act like it is not. But the whole time, deep down inside, you know it's true.

Denial and the love-hate thing go together in some way. But we're not going to talk about that here.

I am telling you, politely but firmly, we're not going to talk about that.

Thank you very much.